30 days.

I’ve been missing you. And truly it has been a while. The moments turn into blurry days and the days into blurry months. Maybe when I’m 40 and I look back it will all be this blurry. Today I just said the words “I still haven’t realized I’m here.”

I have abandoned this ugly computer since April 6. And idk if I want to fill you in on all the stuff but ill speak of my favorite pieces. Maybe I should just make a list. That way I don’t have to try to be a nice writer.

April is sad. Because of one thing. Ki leaves on the 21st. she is the coolest girl I hope you all have a chance to meet her in your life. And so we sew beige dresses with pleats for her farewell. That dress makes me feel like a toddler. And I haven’t yet decided if that’s a good thing.

April 8. Ki, Emily, and I wake up at 3:45 am and head to Albuquerque. That sentence made it sound boring. But I promise it wasn’t. The black sky. The city lights. The galonies sacked out on the sidewalks waiting for dawn. And then there’s us, speeding down 3rd street ready for this adventure. The freeway is busy and the lights burn my eyes. Maybe I’m more tired than my excitement made me realize. We arrive on the hot air balloon field around 6. The white vans are coming in and men are working with propane bottles and wicker baskets. Emily and Ki don’t have much faith they will have room for us, but for some reason I had a good feeling about the situation and sure enough. When they started blowing up the balloons I just had to clasp my hands and gape in awe. Truly those balloons were like 100 times bigger then my head told me. They just kept getting bigger and bigger, and the men had to hold them down with ropes so they wouldn’t lift off. It was much for my little head. We quick jump in with our guide JF and up we go. It was trying to lift off before we were even in. I was a little scared but guess what we lived. The Sandia Mountains to the east were exploding with sunrise, sunbeams pointing back to Gallup. The cliffs on the horizons and the city waking up below us. I could have stayed in that balloon longer. There was so much to soak up and I just couldn’t. Maybe that’s how God sees Albuquerque. We counted 17 other balloons in the sky with us. Wow. I thought about you Mama Gwen cause all the yards had such cuteness and I knew you would love all the winding red rock paths and unique landscaping. It’s a different kind here cuz there’s nothing green except cactus and fake grass. I’m glad our pilot was experienced. He skillfully landed us beside the highway in a gravel pit right in the middle of alb. I was scared we would get pushed into the highway. The still air. The hot fire filling the balloon. The balloon pals all around us. The mountains. The sun. My heart. So the balloon was the big highlight of that day. But the next was old town. Those of you that have been there I’m sure know exactly how happy I was there. Endless narrow brick street surrounded with low authentic mud huts selling all the cutesy Navajo stuff you could dream about. And against those mud walls are the weirdest living plants. Tall cacti brushing against weird looking not palm trees but sort of and all the rest. I don’t have a neat enough head to explain it. String lights zigzagging above. Some sort of vines growing on the string lights. Colorful banners fading in the sun and loud Mexican music coming from narrow dark doorways. Dirty fountains trying to look amazing but mostly their just fitting right into the mud hut look. Someday I’m gunna take you back. Because I will not get enough. Of that place.

Our phone was dying. So we pulled into a gas station to spend precious unit money on a stupid charger. And the Alb guys (accidently) pulled in behind us. So ya we went to Dutch Bros with them and hung out for a couple hours. Good times.

40 chicken nuggets and a long drive home.

April 9.

Ki and my last day off together.

We bring fire breakfast to milk ranch canyon.

We make last memories.

We sit quiet and try not to think about times like this ending.

I love you ki.

We are having kid drama again. one ran away. the cops came. she left the next day.

had to take the most precious little boy to the dentist.

i thought it was fun cause i love him so much and we were gonna go for ice cream after.

but then the doctor quietly tells me he has to pull two teeth.

that day turned into the worst.

my tiny precious screamed and screamed.

reaching his tiny hands for me.

I pretended to be brave for him while tears soaked my mask.

i hate when tiny boys get teeth pulled.

it's my new worst thing.

2 days later he left.

I worry his mom won't care about his teeth.

I worry he will hurt.

I wonder if he lays in his bed and wonders why I never come kiss him goodnight anymore. maybe he wonders why I pried his arms from my neck and let the social worker take him away. I hope he remembers the love.

april 15. KCLYN. my heart. She brought Hannah's friend lindsey. so us four, we stay up late. and eat snacks. we talk way into the night. and then we sleep. The next morning we pack food and go to mcgaffey woods where the trees are tall and the air still. our moccasin feet quiet on the carpet of pine needles. We made a tiny fire and spread out our Navajo blankets. and we take our time. This is opening boxes in my head from home. Sometimes we laugh loud, and sometimes we are as still as the air. and stare into the flames. In some ways I hate company. because all i can think about is that feeling when you sit there awkwardly waiting for them to stand up and hug you, make you cry, and then drive away. we tell google maps to lead us to whiskey lake. it took us a whole hour in the opposite direction and on the craziest roads ever. So anyways we met a silly happy Navajo lady up there and she told us. obviously we turned around. andddddd tried a different way OTHER than google maps, and we made it. wild horses. that's all. truly little herds of them all over. every little turn more wild horses. all colours. all skinny. kaycee and i couldn't even. maybe lindsey and hannah got bugged at us. but we didnt care. a herd of black horses led us a ways past the lake, and suddenly the land just dropped. and we could see forever. shoprock to the north. colorado mountains to the north east. desert to the east. and red canyons and cliffs to the south. and wild horses and whiskey lake and our beautiful ford truck to the west. i cant even tell you enough. it makes me feel so very helpless trying to tell you this stuff. just come see it. because words or photography DONT do justice. not. even. close.

my shasta puppy died.

I have a tiny picture of her here and I look at that picture and cry.

she was my such good pal.

and if she would have waited a little longer i could have said bye.

i love you babygirl.

sickness. the whole place. everyone. puking. gross.

ALB DAY. and i got to go this time. joy oh joy. we wear our pleat dresses. standing and waiting for the train i feel like anne of green gable. Here is where Jessi starts pretending she's an actress in a movie. Sometimes I bet these girls wonder about me. but they can. i don't care. A whimsical breath of train vibes that smells like chicken and wonders if narnia is at the other end. never mind.

a small list about the train.

• smells like chicken

• jessi stares at amish alot

• amish people are very intriguing

• the views are cool and i'm not gonna describe them cuz you guys are bored

• there's alot of friend potential

We slide into alb and papas and the gold van are waiting. next step. goodbye ki. big dramatic elephant tears. I watch her till i cant see her. and then em holds my hand and we go to Sawmill Market for lunch like we never even knew ki. this life is like that. you can't tie anything up to your heart you know. but as a side note. LOOK SAWMILL MARKET UP. officially the coolest place ever. old town again.

i love.

we buy bracelets and tiny wallets.

and mexican sandles.

we sit by a dirty fountain and drink iced beverages.

we pretend we are manicons sitting in the middle of old town looking perfect.

i will say again i love that place. sand ball with the alb guys while the new mexico sunsets. perfecto. back to the airport. and PAIGE. how neat is that even. wow. and then right behind her REGAN & CAITLIN & AZURE BELLE. i stand so that my toes are barely over the line. and then i dont care and i cross it, because i want to just squish them. some joyful tears sneak out. azure is heavy compared to my tiny brown babies. she's also very pale. my heart my heart. i cant love them enough and our time is too short. I show them old town in the dark. the string lights are pretty. and we drive down central. and then we get home late and we sleep. morning comes with loud children and babies. im sleepily sitting there pretending to be awake, and then regan walks in with azure belle. My heart that baby is cute. she almost doesn't feel like a baby she's so big, compared to my babies here.. my off day with regan and caitlin and precious azure belle. all these shops. filled with turquoise jewelry and leather moccasins. Navajo blankets and unnecessary baskets and pottery. red rock park and much wind. cacti and sand and views that make us stop and stare. mexican food at anthonys and too full of stomachs. the drive over the pass looking over the endless land,

the sun setting and giving the view an orange filter. thanks for coming and making this last month possible. i miss kianna jean.

i hope she misses me too.

xo, ginger.