trust.

hey. its been rough. ill just be open.

seems like i haven't had control,

of my emotions for about a week now.

and then they ask why...

but i don't know have words.

only tears.

my body is tired of it.

my brain is tired of it.

but i know i have to try hard to be happy.

i spend hours reading my bible,

and then i cant put it down because the second i put it down..

i am worried again.

always worried.

iv read all of job since i got here.

job 23:10 straightened me up a little.

i had a small chat with some wise friends...

they told me nice words.

gave me courage.

God is here.

even if the most difficult situations are thrown at me,

i am not an abused orphan.

i am not being persecuted.

in 138 days i will go home and live my dream again.

i am here to help these broken souls.

and when i force my self to forget my self.

and think only of tired eyes,

drinking in love that their parents failed to give...

when i remember that God placed me here in these moments.

to live for him and others and not self.

its easier.

its so unfair to think that i have it all.

i don't deserve happiness.

when these tiny children don't even know a happy life.

i can give them 4 and a half more months.

and when the day for me to leave comes..

i will want to give more.

my hands will reach back toward jefferson ave.

my tears will soak my face.

the plane will fly away from New Mexico,

land of enchantment and God,

and i will be sad.

so i will say over and over to myself.

live each moment for the kids and God.

don't look ahead.

only focus on now.

does my black horse miss me?

i want to know.

xo, ginger.

p.s. someday when the sun is hot on the cement,

and the children are laughing.

teachers are singing and snacks are being handed out,

someday when life continues on and on here.

they wont even notice... and i will slip away.

i will leave New Mexico.

and i will come back to my home.