teach me how to get out of my mind. & how to look at memory's as blessings not a loss.

i'm gunna say this at the beginning.

I have never been more in love with monty joel.

I have never been more in love with our little cabin.

& this land.

the trees.

I love this place.

what is about to come out of my brain has me laying on the floor in a puddle of my own tears.

that wasn't exaggerating.

teach me how to get out of my mind.

& how to look at memory's as blessings not a loss.

NOBODY UNDERSTANDS. I just finished scrolling through every single one of my contacts.

& nobody understands.

& nobody ever will.

because they have never felt so passionate about a lifestyle as I have.

I slap my black felt on my head.

pull back my mop of curls & look in the mirror.

my big 5 inch brim makes me feel like myself.

smiling.

I pick up my phone to call my dad

& ask him for all his amazing tips & tricks

with what I should teach my humble sorrel horse today.

hey daddy what are u doing?

sorting pairs.

I can hear the wind.

I can see the mountains.

& can smell the horses sweat.

I can see my daddy pulling out his phone.

I can live the moment.

my chin is quivering.

I somehow stay brave until I hear the click.

tears. so many tears. I wont go into detail.

I roped that passion when I was tiny.

& I will never pop those dallies.

I can see my brothers.

their graceful horsemanship guiding the pretty horses.

cow calf pairs single file out the gate.

dust collecting on my tears.

streaks of memory.

hurting me. scratching me. screaming at me to feel sad. my mind of fighting but I am weak.

Dear God take the memory's.

bury them so I don't have to miss them so bad.

tell my brain being that being a

buckaru girl on the fishburn ranch

sucks.

tell my brain that isn't fun.

I love you God.

Amen.

turn your brain off jessi shianne.

just turn it off.

can't I have the power to do that.

I must not have the power.

I feel trapped when I have feelings like this.

I cant tell anyone

because then they think i'm not thankful

for what I have

& I AM so thankful.

I love this new life. so much. so much.

& would have never said no to this life

so that I could keep living that life.

never.

but now it's gone.

& you can pray that I do not think about it.

because it try's to break me.

& I am weak.

I am going out to ride my shady pine.

my piece of fishburn ranch.

my soul friend.

I find myself pushing him away.

not wanting to go out & ride.

it's not good enough it's not the ranch.

it's just a hobby horse it's not the real thing.

I need to not think like that.

it isn't true.

when conversation about ranching or even just cows come up I just freeze. I want to plug my ears & run. fast. to my favourite hill above the ranch.

look into the sky & breathe.

ok bye. pray for me & my wierd struggles.

the mountains are watching fishburn ranch.

xo. ginger.

https://www.fishburnranch.com/