the soft light shining through the curtains.
i sit here cross legged,
the empty day slowly passes.
it filled itself up with sleep.
sleep & so much thinking, the occasional tear.
it seems our world is so sick.
literally. and also,
as a metaphor.
so many stories filter through my phone.
so many pictures that have something to do,
with covid19.
in a perfect world,
in a perfect world.
ya it will be alright.
but this is a touch down to reality.
who is the one we trust?
it's like there's a dark cloud covering the earth.
it's like everyone is so dedicated to keeping it dark.
& i am still sitting here crosslegged on my bed.
i've always thought of myself as a
positive extrovert.
it seems like today that was swallowed.
at least today it was.
the realization, that i would have to stay away from my favourite people.
for 14 days.
the realization almost the whole world was doing this. & it wasn't just me who had to do this, made me so sad.
when will this be over?
& then i remembered the verse daddy read this morning, something about instead of pursuing joy, we need to pursue God & in him find joy.
ok so i can do that, i can go dance with my horses. i can run on that path & pretend the mountains are catching me. i can find joy in christ & in this life he gave me.
but what about all these friends, who are stuck.
inhaling the same air. the same view. every day.
what can i do to help this next 14 days be more enjoyable.
ya that's the depressing part for me,
because i too, am helpless.
God is holding this so tight.
If only everyone had the same God.
So we could all find joy.
so i went outside. i faced the cold.
i embraced my surroundings
& told God i wanted to find joy ...
in him.
the snow landed on my flushed cheeks,
bringing a smile. perhaps the first smile of the day.
my whistle stunned the silence & i smiled again, as my dog ran across the yard, & into my arms.
together again.
we walk together to the horses.
into the middle of the pasture, underneath the middle of the ground. in the middle of the snow.
we crouch.
waiting for thier love to bring them to us.
it doesn't take long for the fishburn horses to miss me.
we are surrounded now. many hooves crowding us in a tight circle. respectfully sniffing my red frizzy hair. nibbling my nose.
another smile. yet they are arising emotions, the tears come fast. & i am weeping. but my favourite animals are my supporters, & i hang on to the closest neck. my body shaking, my sadness wetting my neck rag.
I still feel the joy i got from God, but the sadness is still there.
i am happy. i truly am happy. maybe these tears are shallow. maybe it's cause i miss certain souls. maybe it's cause i am affectionate to things that are unreachable. maybe it's cause the past is the past. and it is gone.
maybe it's just because my heart is trying to hard to be everything.
to remember everything.
maybe i need to relax & just take one step at a time.
maybe i need to forget everything & just think about my God.
maybe i just need more of God. just to be closer.
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