I wrote this for myself.
& if it bores you i do not blame you.
& please stop reading.
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murky sky.
stars swelling into shapes of light.
& looking up. she sees it. brighter than the rest.
moccasins running through fresh snow.
cheeks sanguine with the cold.
to the stable, crowded with love.
the tiny child. wrapped in swaddling clothes.
lying in a manger. his name is jesus.
the joyful tears & thoughts fall landing on the
dusty straw.
& looking down at his face she smiles.
knowing he has come to save.
the mountains watch, well christmas wafts
forwards. & the spirit reflects off their faces.
the snow falls soft & the star continues to light
our way.
merriest Christmas to all of you beautiful souls. these ranches that settle on this land miss you. & wish you the best season. the snow falls soft. & i lay in this hammock. trying to scrounge up words for you. this time of year. everything is so romantic & the lighting is always just so. apple cider smells up the kitchen & cousins surround you. food. presents. that kind of stuff. I love it all. this year flew by. much to fast. the canvas in front of our house rushed around the year. the colours of the valley changing with the months. the bridge ushers the little creek that snakes around the ranch. rushing. & then slows & stops. kittys run and slide on its surface. we smile. the mountains watch. they always watch. they are still watching. the water that has gone by has many stories of this family. this ranch. these animals. each with their own personality. waiting to make someone smile. smile big. many tears have fallen this past year, along with laughter and smiles. we enjoyed it. every day was meant to be. & was loved.
empty bottles overflowing with untold stories.
lets begin with january.
fireworks shower the dark sky with sparkles & the snow falls unagitated onto the trees like powdered sugar.
air bnb guests. an almost too clean basement. who said that was a problem? because that's what you get if you do airbnb. c l e a n house. & i mean clean. & the rewarding feeling of showing those unique people to your home. giving them a comfortable bed. & making them a divine breakfast. they love it. & so do we. new friends feels good. & hugging goodbye you know you will never see them again. it tugs a little @ your heart. but there's always more on the way.
riding horse by these rocky mountains. the snow freezing eyelashes together and making your hair hard and white. giving your daddy a stiff grin and saying ‘no’ to the classic question 'are you cold’ & then whispering just kidding into your wild rag. it seems the weather makes these mountains pop. without fail this child gasps when she sees them. they are just simply beautiful. thank you jesus.
the end of these cold days holds a crackling fire. the best mom ever. who makes soup & makes you go put on warm pajamas. & thankyou mom ♥︎
freckles for stars and tears for a fountain. we stay home alone & think too much. but puppies save the day & we are thankful. riding colts & roping bulls. treating steers & eating cookies. these days that are too normal. but so full of gold. we will never forget.
februarys will always be february's.
babysitting beau sam & norah ann makes me happy. when buckaroos are tiny they steal my heart before I see them. thankyou jesus for tiny buckaroos.
those special cattle drives where the cows decide to walk single file. all 400 of them covering a couple miles. & when you think you can be cold behind these cows for no longer. and mom comes up behind with the ford expedition chuck wagon & hands out hot chocolate & cookies. now that is just the best.
feeding cows & singing @ crestview. where would we be without tianna josephine & dakota jack? that memorable tubing party with this crazy youth group. some of the boys brought their sleds & the big bonfire @ the bottom lit up the hill. such good times with such cold toes. moral of the month equals ☞ always wear glasses of love.
March means almost calving season.
people go to units. it's a good thing but we miss them. it seems this month is full of cows. & that's all. how do i talk about cows for more than three lines. it's possible. very possible & i have accomplished that many times. but I have this fear that that would perhaps bore you. so I have decided to only tell you that yes. this month is full of cows. oh also this month is the month to be extra positive. so yay.
hoping & trying to be positive. to be perfect. because when i'm positive. I automatically turn to jesus. & days when I'm focused on jesus are the best days. also days when i try to be perfect are so rewarding. I know. I know. nobody can be perfect. not. even. close. but just try. it seems when you decide a day is going to be good first thing, then it is. imagine if you woke up in the morning with only the things you thanked God for yesterday. I heard that the other day & it sorta shook me. let's pretend. this moment, this minute, is our only focus. or perhaps it IS our only focus. this moment smells like chilli. (licks lips.) the snow is falling fairly hard. & the fire is truly crackling. this moment. is swell.
armida days with don & esther. thanks much ♥︎
april. the stars will always be there. & the earth will always circle the sun.
the biggest highlight ever. a snowy drive to calgary & a snowy bumpy flight to denver. a loved week with my neigh. she is the best. ever. so many memories from that week & so treasured. hooper. egg burritos. wapiti. so many minutes of sheer happiness with my favourite humans. thankyou neigh ♥︎ for that & for our friendship.
long days working on the garage. & long days being with the cows. tiny calves popping out all over these ranches. wobbly legs & wet noses. tummies round with hot milk. calving season will always hold my heart with two big arms. I will never not love these tiny calves. these tiny calves that follow me all over the barnyard. I LOVE them. I love them. warm necks soak up tears & they listen to your heart. they truly do. many many hours put in with these mammals.
may.
so many things happen. these days at fishburn slip past. the smiles frequent & the work passes.
cuz those mountains. those moments of running fast with these wild horses. chasing wild cows. over those falling trees. worn by this life that is pushing us over these bridges.
that music with those real words. dreaming of same stars. to many miles away. the fire crackling nostalgic words through your small head & the tear falls. the mountains so big. making your heart pound. with awe. struck by majesty. the lake so smooth. so many words softly skimming the surface. these friends on either side.
will we ever have this again. these laughs. good. quality. times. this land that is for us too bask in the insane wonders that the creator presented. these times of brushing our teeth under looming mountains & spitting laughter & foam into the mountain water. the circle of trees above u with that one star. I think maybe that star is God. watching us. keeping us safe. he always does right.
you are loved. & nothings gonna change that.
the feeling of being blessed.
p.s. thanks for giving me humans like jenna & tanjo.
p.p.s. thanks for nature. & peace of mind.
p.p.p.s. & for text messages that make me smile.
because this time in my life will be over. soon.
my kindred spirits will leave me.
the horses i love will die. there will be more.
the friends i love will get married.
I might not live by this lake all my life.
but these thoughts are sad. & this day i am happy. even if these thoughts are true. I am happy.
God has given us this love.
mornings bring eggs & sun. the water takes your breath away & your head drips cold onto freckled skin. slathered oil. hot sun. some rain. reminding us that we ARE in canada. but the mountains big are faithful. keeping our hearts beating.
& she can't get her small clementine off her mind. that adorable soul this is missing out on this beautifulness.
june. life of branding.
my daddy broke his knee.
& the highlight. Jonathan ♥︎ ashley's wedding. because my maroon came. her & gus pulled up in the blue mini cooper just in time for the last couple hours of a branding. so fun. and my barny flew in on friday so me and mary drove toYYC to pick her up. getting a flat tire and living through some dramas. it was SO worth it. and boy did we ever take advantage of the time. if any of you need friends then be friends with larae & mary. cuz they are gold. pure gold. we had the best times. hugs to mary & then three more days with larae. camping, hiking, riding horse, mountain towns, so many laughs & happiness. thanks girls ♥︎
kiera. yes that pretty girl with red hair. I love her. not enough moments with her. waterton & lethbridge, valuevillage.
july. maybe some summer?
Jack & shaylah. happy wedding day ♥︎
cho & cassia. & marzzzyyyy. gilbert & dianne. u girls are fun.
& this last month with tianna josephine. so we fill the days up with camping. Lethbridge days. we are gonna miss her so much. so very much. but she will be blessed in window rock & it is ok. so cheers to you tanjo. eat yogurt.
KANSAS ROADTRIP. we stop in hardin for night & pick up kari & tess. this will be july's highlight. if u haven't been on an all girls road trip you will not understand. coffee shops. airbnb's. volleyball. old cars.
I get home from the trip & my big black horse has fallen through the bridge. clearly creating a yucky wound on his leg. water treatment & honey everyday for the next while. u will heal blackster <3
august. August & a peace river. engaged sisters. camping trips.
maroon gets to the ranch & believe me we are excited.
the drive up to fort is SO fun. I love being stuck in a tiny blue mini cooper with mary samantha. it is not a bad problem.
the basement full of gear. scattered gatorade bottles & dry sacs. so many excited heart beats.
my eyes close to this last night in civilization.
the clock strikes midnight.
the morning brings:
best breakfast sandwiches ever.
pack these kayaks. heart eyes.
quesadillas on the road.
these blue eyes are excited.
mr. greg pushed us into the peace & we are gone. the sun follows. the flat wide water glowed silver and these three kayaks float silently. laughter and smiles. deep talks & arguments. echoes off the banks & too much gatorade.
we named her fransis. this island that kept us safe for this first night on the river. the beach stretching far along the tree line. everything beautiful in his time. best supper ever.
fajitas with reaaalll guacamole. we camp in style yes sir. the sleep was so good. my biggest fear was staying warm. & guess what i WAS HOT. thank you jesus. we wake up to a very grey sky. but that's ok. hash browns & bacon. toast with jam. no like I was serious when I said we camp in style.
we hit the river @ 10:45.
53 kilometres to go.
it was a bit of a push. more than we expected.
but we arrived at our beloved mozzarella island. @ 7:55.
53 kms in 9 hours.
which is 5.7 kilometres an hour.
but it was fun. lots of snacks. it rained and was really windy. I had to remind myself a couple times that i was having the time of my life. by the end of the day I was cold. & tired. supper was hobo dinners & chilli. yum. the rain keeps coming in this land. but i'm warm in my tent. & being in a tent in the rain is what makes me happy. the big peace winding past. keeping us safe. thank you Jesus for that day. helping us to get to our destination. help tomorrow to be drier if it's your will.
these girls are gold. Mary & wine. love them.
these daisy chain headbands & laughs over drama. puffs of smoke across the trees. signs of recent forest fires. the silver water smooth as glass & then u round the corner and it turns to big waves. almost scary. we laugh. hard. & tell silly stories. I accidentally shoulder check when i paddle north. more laughs. don't fall out of your kayak when your laughing. Jesus help me to sleep well. keep my family safe. & my friends.
I love u.
left the mozzarella @ about 9:15.
paddled hard.
white caps. big waves. splashing into our kayaks.
this morning for about 5 minutes i had a tiny bit of nervousness. rain hitting our faces. but smiles. many smiles. holding up our p2000 and using it as a sail. creating a large wake. thank you wind for that small joy. many snacks. many gatorades. & our singing echoes off the high cliffs. we sang lots like all the songs we could think of. & seagulls wrecking the tune. the waves crash against the shore & we pray that it gets hot and calm. we paddle. continually paddle. we know we have to make it to the bridge by dark. so we keep going. i talk to jesus to distract my muscles. & then it's there. the big peace river bridge. looming huge against the horizon. four big pillars standing against the sky. each pillar in a big upside down Y. & each section a big lot longer than our 14 foot kayaks. the water surging through them. fear could almost catch me if i think about it. overwhelming dents in the metal from chunks of ice during breakup. the hugeness. of this river. this water churning through the valley. under this big orange bridge. but we see our landing. civilization. thank you jesus.
130 kilometres. 21.5 hours on the water.
3 days out of civilization.
many moments on islands. so good.
⌲
♡
the mountains know this day is special. the haze & dust settle carefully. making everything appear transparent. all is calm. the bees are busy. unmindful of the emotions flowing through my head. it's ok they can be busy. it's good to be busy i think. the tea out of this winsome teacup makes my heart feel warm. even if the tears continue. i haven't yet decided if i'm happy or sad. maybe just a smidge of both. not knowing what else to do while this sensational news sinks to the deepest corner of our hearts.... we drive. the mountains gently pushing us through the trees. the sun shining on the dust & the vibes quiet yet content. we know it's right. it's right that she would leave this fishburn ranch. to her new adobe. but we will miss her. beautiful soul full of laughter. this part of our life. these teenage years that we shared. & now it's over. my sister that i love & admire more than anyone will know. she's getting married to joel riley. he's the luckiest man i've ever met. & i wouldn't let any other man marry her. so thank you joel. i hope u guys have a fun life.
⌲
this life would be boring without dakota jack.
so we plan a last backcountry hiking trip with jenna. she is leaving us. so let's go hiking. we pick turbine canyon.
amazing views & amazing family times.
september.
the fischer ranch lands into my dad's hands. a big ranch hugging the rockies. an amazing opportunity. we are excited.
so many busy days getting ready for this wedding.
a FUN short center trip. it will be fun to have a sister there. so many silly kids that i adore. yay neigh:)
flawless in you. to be flawless in God. small hearts wonder. grasping. clawing for a greater reward. trying to focus on these good things. to focus on God. there's those gold roads. those roads that look so full of luxury. fashion & friends. aesthetic instagram accounts & loud music. we think it's fun.. we get so wrapped up in the wonder. the longing to know what's on the other side. the other side of these mountains of young goals. realizing you have been running down this road. arms limp heart beating. what are u running to? why is your heart hurting. this stress. this stress of keeping up with the rush. with the rushing river of loudness. & it hits you. where God? your steps slow and you look to the skies. the stars touch your tears and your heart slows. you know. God knows. you have been leaving him. going down other streets that look so golden to you. disguised with the glitter & frivolity. so you turn. watching the sun sinking & reaching your hands for the God who is soooo safe. safe & full of love. you turn & you run. straight into the arms of that God who cares. & he's holding you. drying your tears. whispering words so calming into your ear. your shaking body quiet. remembering the pressure. you are thankful. thankful for turning around.
because you have to be flawed before you become flawless. & through God's eyes we are flawless.
october.
jenna has a bridal shower. weird.
now all my life i have written. journals to stories to poems to simply just my head. mostly just my head. my writing life was limited to just me & it was great. but on that early morning october 14 my writing life changed drastically. friends from all over the world that write got introduced into my life. a writing club if u wanna call it. thanks ladies. it has been SO fun. I hope it keeps going forever. also i hope i can meet more of u in person soon. also you all have so much talent & i am proud to associate with you.
LARAE FLIES ALL THE WAY FROM ALABAMA & SURPRISES ME FOR MY BIRTHDAY. wow. that was dramatic. but no ya it was. tears. I love you girl & thanks cuz that was the best birthday gift id ever gotten. & that was a FUN week.
nicki & blaze. congrats ♥︎
fun wedding. cuz my favourite crooked creek friends came. loralee & hannah & paige & kaitlyn. thanks girls that made me sooo happy. aaannnddd karlii & taija YAY. u girls are the best.
november.
& before we know it. the wedding is here.
& we're not gonna talk about it.
but thank you neigh for being there for me.
& all you others. jaci jo. with a golden heart. kaylee & kristen. madi kate . abby & kady. tyanne victoria you :)
so then we have a busy week of after wedding stuff. & then we drive & drive to tianna josephine. yay.
all days come to an end. all suns sink when it is time. & this day as the big annular red sun sinks beneath the sheer red walls of moab. the red barranca looming high, steep. protecting the winding road. & so we continue. through this land. but in the dark now. the full moon comes up & the outline of Gods architecture reminds us we are missing out without the sun. we love the moon too. with our amigo in mind. knowing she is waiting. waiting for us by the gate of the hogan hozhoni. we are coming tianna josephine. as hastily as possible. the miles tick by. sluggishly. & then it's here. the long building. the hogan hozhoni. the home of so many precious souls. & arms tight around my favourite tanjo. the tears running down my cheeks. with so much happy. happy wonder of this moment. we get the guest house. a lucky quartet we are. it's a cozy atmosphere & we fall into clean. beds of comfort. we talk late into the night. me & tanjo. when a soul loves another. being apart for too long. causes a lengthy list of catching up. holding hands we whisper. till the lashes close & the room is quiet. the morning arises & with it comes felicity. a deep tingling joy. knowing the day holds many memories that you will hold & treasure. in the very center of your young heart. we eat toast & coffee. we start days the right way in this hozhoni. & holding hands we walk to the maine building. curious & excited. beautiful souls come forward to meet us. tanjos sisters. i was glad to meet them. she must have such fun. & the children. my heart my heart. the thick black hair. big black eyes. high cheekbones. rosy through dark skin. & their smiles. reaching straight into your heart & touching you. bringing tears & connecting souls. & with two short hands. they take you. & you are theirs. & smiling into each others eyes you don't let go. until you have to. we say bye to them. & drive to canyon de chelly. & we spend the next couple hours, standing. in awe. at or creator. the amazing cliffs. dropping @ some places near 800 feet. the red contrasting with blue sky. the ruins scattered amidst the floor of the canyon. & the odd hogan. the spider rock shooting out of the ground & reaching for the clouds. a skinny rock sticking 700 feet up & nothing holding it upright. balancing. like a pen stuck into the rusty dirt. & taking one last look, we walk back through the cactus & grass. the authentic navajo fry bread waiting for us @ the junction. too full. much too full. no regrets. so delicious. forever in my heart canyon de chelly. my head on tanjos shoulder i accidentally fall asleep. the drive too long. the sun too warm. entering back into the town of window rock i awaken. & they point. then the window rock. the arch raising high & watching over the town. we look long & then continue back to the hogan hozhoni. home of many beautiful souls. & dropping tiana josephine off we hug. & we hug again. we have to leave now but we will be back. we leave pieces of our hearts. & they will forever be watching this hozhoni. God will hold you. Navajos of the nation. & you will be blessed.
forever in my heart.
he shines his sun for you.
reflecting his love through you & into the hungry souls.
& drinking up the kindness you offer, they thank you,
with this gift of happiness. joy. and love. this is important.
we also go to joel and jennas new little house. and that is just still too emotional to write about. when i do. it sounds to negative to send on here. so let's have positive thoughts & leave them to start their home in colorado alllll happy.
⌲
a quick road trip to crooked creek.
blessed with more moments of gold.
jessi sue. & paigyyyy. & hannah and lor. & destiny. kait don't be sad without jess. thanks girls. u make me smile. & of course all you other cool people. the drive too held so much fun. chase & erin & kelsey & mitch. West edmonton malls with scary rides & too many screams.
alls swell that ends swell. (quoted from the coolest human)
⌲
another annual calgary day with the youth. I'm feeling christmas vibes.
cold moments bedding calves & pitching hay. puppies shiver & curl right into the straw.
december.
this month starts out very snowy. snow blowing off the mountains & the sun making silver linings. the beauty of this land. never ceases to amaze me. i love. love.
horses look shampooed with their winter coats. puffy cheeks. & so do we. these bibs take up a lot of room. to break this winter, we need layers.
the crunch of many hooves on packed snow.
for some reason super puncher clay decided he was old enough to get married. & colleen is the lucky beautiful. congrats kiddos. may your future be amazing.
the wedding was fun. and too short cuz then we come home to the toews deal. being a toews and a thiessen at christmas time is a big gigantic blessing.
her head thrown back. gazing her sparkling eyes deep. deep into the universe. her hair reaching for the ground. soft whispers in escape from between the thin pink lips.
winter is here. and so is december 13. the cold turns my red hair to white. and freezes my face. making it hard to smile. but the smile is there. beneath the cold face. the frost white on the trees. my wool green mittens turn hard & the pitchfork doesn't help with keeping the fingers warm. but keeping warm isn't my worry. the calves that i love. furry heads flapping ears. wet noses. they steal my heart. & when I flop into the hay with my puppy shasta, and we lay still & watch the snow. and watch the calves. me and shasta are happy when we do that.
Christmas with hot tea. cold toes. red berries.
Christmas with jesus. and children singing.
Christmas with family & jalapeno poppers.
with skates & water trucks and blinky lights.
Christmas with you. & we are blessed. because it all whispers jesus. & jesus is the reason for the season. these pretty gifts & big smiles.
Christmas programs come & go & relief is abundant when that disgusting buckley's completely saves the day. My bestest cousin dakota & myself are asked to sing a duet. we obediently say yes. nerve. wracking. but also kind of fun almost maybe sorta.
evenings in lethbridge with keira ♡
caroling. singing. my throat hurts.
Christmas cards from jenna that make me cry my head off.
this fishburn league has nice christmas parties.
long quiet drives through the snow, to my favourite mumzy's house. a cozy day with big snowflakes. & beth annabelle.
now for 11 days with my best barny. aka larry. & clementine. & of course larae. weirdo. thanks for those days.they haven't come yet but i fly out in 3 days and I'm so very excited. cuz it will be sooooo fun wow. that cabin. hot tubs & horse shows. mountains and so much love.
I feel like all the credit of that good year goes to my sister. actually the credit to my whole life goes to my sister. almost. I love you jenna charlotte.
all of my love to you. & i hope your christmas & new year is the best. XO, jessi shianne
the mountains are still watching - ginger
fishburn ranch ♥︎
https://www.fishburnranch.com/
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