an ocean of love. but they don't understand.

its weird to watch the sun shine so hard

and the snow hits the dry ground.

this weather is confused

its weird that this is a big enough deal to cancel school,

meanwhile my family and friends are driving to work through blizzards like its everyday life.

here in new mexico things shut down when the sun is covered in clouds.

im listening to my daddy sing.

the words and music honestly hit me like im in my house hearing them sing by the fire place...

the lights dim, the candles lit.

maybe mom and her friends are in the living room drinking coffee.

maybe im alone in the attic.

i can picture the snow falling fast,

my dog by my feet.

i can imagine the feeling of knowing what the next day holds.

the feeling of being completely relaxed.

but if i was there, it would feel too quiet.

the roar of kids

the laughter of these coworkers

the steady hum of 30 bodies living life at the fastest pace possible.

i wouldnt feel the steady feeling of being needed

being ready

being on call for the next dirty diaper or scraped knee

or hurting heart

and that certain tiny girl

shes holding on to me

her tears soaking my yellow dress

i hold her face and whisper

what color are my eyes jopahnika?

she says through her sadness

blue

brown eyes are better i whisper

she shakes her head

giant elephant tears continue to roll down her dry cheeks

to them they are thrown into a sea of hatred

swimming

trying to escape the hate

they scream you hate me

while we are pouring out all our love

they bite us when we offer a gentle hug

and then when thier anger falls into the waves

they break

melting into our safe arms

they will not heal

and only God knows when and if they will find the lighthouse

shes angry kicking the wall

i take her hand

and for some unknown reason she decides to give in and follow

we find ourselves outside

shivering, catching snowflakes

i look down at the hurting brown child

what made you mad?

and then she doesnt have an answer

it was just time to stress the staff out again

well this is a great place to cool your anger cause its cold out here

and then she laughs

that was my first victory with that child

i didnt even get punched in the face

or bitten

and i didnt even call for help

maybe jesus was holding her little brown hand

google gallup coffee company and maybe you will come see me after all

ok i love you. and i miss you.

xo, jessi shianne toews also known to some of you as ginger or sam or jessa or jessi bear. you chose.

p.s. pray i stop gaining weight