why.

today I have angry tears

mixed with the feeling of knowing

I am so very blessed

but why

why us?

riding through these mountains I love so much

with one of my favourite cowboys,

dakota jack.

my eyes following his strong back & big hat

through thick brush

looking for lost cattle

we have good families

we have the best life style

(understatement)

but why my daddy?

his face twisted in pain.

the dreaded trip to germany.

the price.

due to covid19 he has to go alone.

why him?

everyone else that gets this back surgery can take a friend.

everyone else travels to germany for pleasure.

it's normal for everyone else to go on a big trip with thier family.

finally there is a bad reason

for us to go on a family trip.

a big family trip.

but no.

we can't.

covid19 is asking for it.

& i'm coming with my big brothers gun.

I dont feel like being beautiful today.

I dont feel like crying beautiful tears.

I dont feel like running on my black horse

into the sunset.

& having that beautiful sadness.

I feel like having ugly sadness.

I feel like spitting onto this ground I love.

I feel like screaming into my black horses mane.

& making him run,

till his black coat is white with lather.

I feel like throwing a rock hard into my canyon.

crashing into that creek

that has always ran along with me.

I feel like rubbing my eyes

& making my face red & swollen.

I need to stop writing.

I am so blessed.

why am i feeling negative.

why are my emotions out of control.

because.

I wish my daddy was strong like he used to be.

if he goes to germany he will be strong again.

but I wish it could all be normal.

I wish he could rope and ride like he used to.

i wish covid was gone.

I miss my sister.

I miss my friends.

I miss you.

stop jessi.

to just be wrapped in your arms.

to just be held tight.

for your big hand to wipe my angry tears away.

just for one night.

the sun is setting in the mountains,

forgiving my angry sadness.

my ugly sadness.

they are watching me dry my tears,

& move on.

xo, ginger