fog.

some people might call this fog happiness.

you know its there and you capture it in your palm,

enjoying it.

watching it.

and then it slowly fades.

but it always comes back.

when we eat nachos and do make up.

painting our fingernails and stuffing our faces.

we all know that we are gaining weight.

thats my happy.

when im sitting on the floor in second nurse,

and the little kids wake up,

one by one their heads popping up over the edge of their

retro white metal cribs.

i love those cribs.

i want cribs like that for my babies.

thats my happy.

but evening comes,

and with evening comes darkness

and with darkness comes sadness.

not sure why im like that.

i lay in my little bunk, string lights for stars.

dried bouquets from this land and from my clementine.

photos from friends hanging on strings.

tiny white defuser puffing out fog happiness from auntie lorraine.

all my little gifts.

in that bunk is where theres the most room to remember

to think

to be sad

and to lie there before swallowing melatonin

is where i feel empty.

something missing.

morning comes with sun shining in striped shadows through the blinds

alarm clocks taking turns through out the dorm

pretty girls brushing long bleached hair

good morning smiles,

through sleepy eyes.

my happy.

the words fog happiness came to me this morning because the sky is so white we cant see the highway

snow falls and hits the black pavement and melts

but it sticks to the trees

and the lonesome playground

mornings make the playground lonesome

i cant wait till the kids go out to play

then it wont be lonesome

march.

im over half done.

10 weeks to go.

i got my phone a while back.

that was jolly.

didnt really know how to be on a phone anymore tho.

got through another week of night shift.

brecks family was here. played lots of volleyball with her bros.

papas son Tom and his little family came. more volleyball.

we got a new kid. but she was as tall as me.

maybe we could say we got a lady.

that was a little scary.

knowing how these kids can be..

i didnt like the thought of trying to hold her down in the office.

she left in 2 days.

a new little boy.

so scared.

he screams and screams.

wont let go of you.

a tiny wipped puppy who has truly been through hell.

hes only 3. i love him.

larea flies in.

FUN.

iced coffees and drives to my favourite views.

we walk in the red sand and click our heels together.

we love being together.

cause we are fun.

i took her to asaayi lake.

which is my new favourite place cause if you use your imagination..

you can almost think your at a glacier lake in alberta.

it was mostly iced over, and there was wild horses of every colour on the opposite shore,

along with some hills full of green trees. yum. give me more.

of course i take her to gallup coffee.

and of course she pays for my frappe.

the lights of gallup are pretty this night.

and the sunset.

wish you all could come see.

and then the amtrak rushes her away from me.

my tears fall onto my sweetbriarteaandcoffee sweater that she gave me.

the end.

our little baby bennet.

hes screaming his head off right now.

and ki is laughing at him because hes so cute when he cries.

he has definitely been a highlight.

your pretty lucky if you get to hold him in the evenings.

alb day.

it was fine we survived.

i chased our chubby 6 year old around all day.

he runs aways and doest give a hang how you discipline him.

was i like that mom?

i hope not cause it drains me.

annnd of course our big girl threw a fit.

they know when papas are in alb.

and we handled it differently then we ever have.

three of us just guarded a different section of the building

and radioed each other when she was coming their way

after ruining as much as she could and throwing all the chairs

and wripping off my headcovering she ran out the door and out the gate

we called papa instead of the cops

which was a good idea cause she stopped by the mail box and put her head in her hands

she came in 15 minutes later sobbing and saying im so sorry

i only have one more alb day to stay home on.

i can totally do this.

welcome jolissa goosen

to this beautiful chaos.

and goodbye my beloved hiedi jane.

dont forget about me.

i love when roger texts us girls and tells us whose singing over stream,

and i love when someone comes running to me and tells me it says pincher creek.

and i love remembering its my daddy.

i loooooovve listening to my daddy sing.

but it doesnt help with the whole homesick situation.

and we have to just watch.

watch & smile & be brave.

so we sit on the bed. the tears rolling. & you can't stop them. cause they are controlling your thoughts.

but the moon he hangs in the sky slowly pulling it up over the horizon in that alone child you can have comfort feeling overwhelmed with the blessings. taking all for granted. we're on our way, we all grow up in this cloud. watch us grow to be as we are.

it seems the days pass too fast. our fingers shake & we lose our words. using caution. seeking the presence of those too far away. hopeless. but yet hope. reaching for them. the wind shifts. hearts don't make sence. words tangle creating a mess. a beautiful mess. with happy tears. may he hold your heart tight.

a list of things i miss.

the horses. but mostly black.

azure belle and her parents.

kc and jaclyn.

mommy and daddy.

the mountains.

cold brew iced coffees. (esspresso machines dont make as yummy of ones)

shasta.

foodi rada foodi.

the youth kids.

our little creek.

early morning round ups or anything to do with fishburn.

texting friends.

going to town.

sitting in the hammock after a long day in the saddle and mom not letting me help with supper.

and then dad coming in and telling me to get out of the hammock and help mom.

i have the best parents.

having my own room.

ok bye im on play duty at 1:30 and its 1:27.

i know that my mountains are still watching.

xo, ginger